A parents, friends and relatives guide

A parents, friends and relatives guide

This page is dedicated to parents, friends and relatives who know of someone who self-harms, and who want advice on how to approach them about this issue. Or if you just want to talk amungst each other about your feelings about knowing someone who self-harms on the message board (forum) below.

It can be a traumatic experience, knowing someone who self-harms, and you may feel a mixture of feelings. Being tearful and the feeling of uselessness is the prodominant emotions. Anger can be felt too. You may feel angry that your child, friend or relative is hurting themselves deliberately for no obvious reason. The most important thing to remember is that whatever emotions you feel towards this person, all the emotions you feel are normal. Everyone reacts differently and your reaction is probably no different from anyone elses.

It can be very difficult to approach the issue of self-harm with a vunerable person, so below I have listed the unhelpful and helpful responses to someone who self-harms. These have been adapted from the teach yourself counselling manual.

Unhelpful respnses include:

You may find times when you struggle to understand why your child, friend or relative self-harms. You are allowed to be unsure. It doesnt make you a bad person. It shows that you accept that you don't fully understand, and it shows you care for the person because you wish to find out why it is that they self-harm. As you already know, everybody is different, therefore the motive of self-harm will be different in each person. Below is a few of the most common reasons for self-harm, but remember that this is just a guide. The reasons of self-harm may go much deeper into their past:

As well as helping the sufferer of self-harm, it is important that you, as the supporter, have support from professionals and organisations for the wellbeing of both yourself, and your child, friend or relative.

You can visit the 'links' page on this site for a few links to counselling and information sites, or alternatively scroll down to view some other options open to you for help and support.

If you are worried about your childs/friends/relatives cuts/burns, you can go to your local doctor and book an emergency appointment with your nurse. They will be able to give the wounds the proper attention they need.
If you visit your GP, s/he can organise an apointment through CAMHS (child and adolescences mental health service.) There is usually a 6-7 week wait for an appointment as it is done through a referral from the doctor.

Your important too!

It sounds like hard work, and it is. And if you try to be completely supportive to someone else 24/7, you're going to burn out (and they won't have any incentive to change). You have to find ways to be sure your needs are being met.

Take a break from it when you need to. When setting limits, remember that as much as you love someone, sometimes you're going to need to get away from them for a while. Tell the person that sometimes you need to recharge and that it doesn't affect your love for him/her. Only break into this personal time in cases of absolute life-or-death crisis.

The balance here is tricky, because if you make yourself more and more distant, you might get a reaction of increasing levels of crisis from the other person. If you let them know that they don't have to be about to die to get love and attention from you, you can take breaks without freaking the person out. The key is developing trust, a process that will take some time. Once you prove that you are someone who isn't going to go away at the first sign of trouble, you will be able to go away in non-crisis times without provoking a crisis response.

It is top priority that you, as the supporter of someone who self-harms, have someone to turn too, either to talk about your own feelings of knowing someone who self-harms, or to ask any questions that you would like to ask about self-harm and the effects of the act.

Feel free to contact me, in confidence.